survivinglife

I grew up seeing my mom and dad show affection to each other.  I would always tell my mom that I wanted a marriage just like theirs when I grew up.  My mom would tell me that marriage was not easy, it took work, and that it was not 50/50 like so many try to sell but more like 80/20, sometimes you give 80, and sometimes you give 20, but by that it all works out. 

I have to admit, my first relationship was definitely not a good for me relationship.  I adored this man.  Actually, I was obsessed with this man.  I decided that he didn’t know who was right for him, and that it was my job to show him, no matter what, that I was the one for him.  Thank God that he was wiser and, although it took me about 5 years to realize that fact for myself; I did finally come to that conclusion also.

By looking back and analyzing that relationship, I learned a lot about myself, my needs, and my wants.  I learned how to enjoy my own company, and most important, I learned who I was.  Ironically, this is when I met my husband to be. 

My husband and I started as friends, just talking and spending time together.  One thing that we both expressed when the relationship did move forward was that neither of us needed the other.  We wanted to be with each other, but if something were to happen, either of us could move on, on our own.  I think that this was a very important point.  I personally didn’t want to feel responsible for how someone else might feel if I decided that I didn’t feel the same way. 

By each of us being independent enough to move on without the other, the trust issue was practically nothing.  I was comfortable enough with myself and us, as a couple, that I could declare that I was friends with my ex-boyfriend, and that I intended to stay friends with him.  Nineteen years have passed, and both my ex’s family and my family are best friends; in fact, we all play darts every Friday night. 

Because we have open communication, we have been able to overcome anything that pops up in our marriage.  We started out by making boundaries for our communication, no name calling, no interrupting, and most important, do not bring up past issues that have already been dealt with.  These are our boundaries, the ones that we feel are most important in keeping our communication healthy and open; but each person in a relationship might have different boundaries or needs that they should be able to enforce in their relationships as well.  Both parties have to feel that their limits are safe, and respected. 

We have all been hurt before, by someone who we trusted, who we loved, someone who we thought would never let us down maybe.  Either way, we all have been let down at some point in our lives.  Does this mean that we shouldn’t trust anyone any more?  Too many times people use that as an excuse to not get close to the next person they become involved with.  By not trusting, or by holding on to the hurts of the last relationship, you are instantly putting up a road block, stopping your current relationship from moving forward. 

I know it’s hard, but each new relationship we enter, we must enter it free and clear.  We have to realize that the person we are involved with is not the person we just left.  They are a new beginning, and therefore, deserve to be treated as such.  They have not hurt you or lied to you, so you should give them the benefit of the doubt.  Now this is not to say that you should keep your eyes shut to everything they say or do, but it does mean that you shouldn’t be too quick to jump to conclusions or assumptions. 

How can you do this when you were hurt so badly you ask?  Well, first of all, you have to take stock of your last relationship.  You need to realize what went wrong, and what your part of it was.  Many times we want to place all the blame on the other person, not admitting any of our own faults.  Very rarely is that the case.  Maybe you were too controlling, or maybe too demanding of their time.  Maybe the two of you just grew apart.  No matter what the reasons, you need to be aware of your role in it, and then decide what you want to do differently, if anything. 

The next thing you need to do is be aware of what you learned from that relationship.  In every relationship of every kind, we learn something, even if it is just that we don’t like who we are with that person.  We are always learning, and our relationships offer no different.  Remember, if we don’t learn, we are doomed to repeat our same mistakes until we do learn.

The last thing is to decide what you want yourself to be.  Take what you have learned, and put it to your use.  Evaluate yourself, and become what you want to be.  When you have done that, you can enter into your next relationship free and clear. 

I remember when I was young, sitting around the table after dinner, and talking with my dad; my mom finally getting up to do the dishes while my sister and I kept dad talking by asking question after question.  He was great.  He would take the time to explain things that we didn’t understand, or at least try to explain, all the while; mom was doing the dishes that my sister and I were supposed to do.  Don’t worry we didn’t get away with this too often, but even every once in a while is needed.  I think about my family now, my dinning room table is a catch all.  If we all eat dinner at once, it’s a miracle and a holiday if it’s at the table.  When I was growing up, the only time we didn’t eat dinner together was when we were teenagers, and we were eating out with friends; if we were home, dinner was together; and if you weren’t hungry? You still had to sit at the table, so you might as well take a little something.  I’m sure there are still a lot of families that maintain this ritual, but I know there are a great deal of those who don’t.  I could come up with a bunch of excuses as to why, like we don’t work a normal schedule or the kids’ schedules with sports and all is too erratic, but the truth of the matter is, I was never very domestic.  One of the first things I told David (my husband) when we got together, (one of those rules) was, “I cook for a living, I don’t cook for myself, I’ll be damned if I’m going to cook for you.  But I do know where all the BK’s and McDonald’s are”.   

Sometimes I miss that “family dinner”.  I know there are still families out there who all sit down at once to eat their meals, but I know quite a few that don’t.  Sometimes I think that this is one thing that has led to losing communication amongst the family unit.  Other things become more important than talking.  Watching TV, playing on the computer or video games, all these things seem to take priority in our lives, and the communication goes away.   

We have to realize just how important communication is.  We need it to be able to understand what the other is feeling and thinking.  If we stop communicating with our partners, or if we don’t even start, how can we expect to stay together?  We can’t just co-exist, we have to tell each other how we are feeling, how we perceive things that are going on, even how we expect or hope that something will happen or not happen.  In too many relationships, one just sits there, not saying anything, and then gets upset when things don’t go their way.  But because you didn’t say which way you wanted them to go, how can you expect them to go that way?

As you could probably tell, I have been getting off on a tangent lately, but I actually want to talk about the human side of things; relationships, marriage, family, kids, just living. 

I have been married for 19 years to a wonderful man.  We have two kids, one boy, and one girl.  After our second child, I told my husband, “you have one of each, you can’t get any different, you’re done.”  What do you know, I didn’t get pregnant again.  Just to let you know, I was on the pill for the first one, and he used protection for the second, that night he said “it broke”, and I said, “I’m pregnant”. 

My husband and I are different in a lot of ways, and many people wonder how we ever got together in the first place.  Well, we spent the first month just talking.  He was “safe”, he was engaged to another, and I was working 3 jobs, and had just ended one relationship because I didn’t have the time, or want to take the time to be in a relationship.  When we did move forward in our friendship, there were some guide lines that were laid down.  Now I’ve talked to some people, and they have actually told me that to set down “rules” at the beginning of a relationship is wrong.  What is so wrong about being honest with your significant other, and letting them know what you need or expect, and getting the same from them?  We each had things that were important to us, and if there was something that we weren’t sure about, we would break it down, and discuss it further, and we were able to come to a mutual agreement.  Now yes, there are some things that either of us were black and white on, but with open, calm communication, we actually figured out that we didn’t really have that different of views, and that we could understand and accept the other’s opinion on those issues that were looked at in black and white.

One of the first rules that we talked about, was communication, how to argue, to be exact.

We made it clear that no matter what the circumstances, name calling was never allowed.  We also agreed that if we were upset about something, it would be taken care of right then, or as soon as appropriate in certain cases.  But that either of us could approach the other with our grievances, and not feel threatened, or that we would be put down because we felt what ever way.  We also agreed that we could not keep bringing up things done in the past that we moved on from anyway.  We couldn’t hold something over the other’s head forever.  If we argued through it, and moved on, then we had to move on, and forgive, and forget about it.  How can any relationship move forward and grow when the people in it, won’t let the past mistakes just die.  They are done and over with, you have fought about them (or at least talked them through), came to a mutual arrangement, whether it be “don’t let it happen again”, or “ok, now I understand, but it hurt, please don’t anymore”, what ever the arrangement, it was achieved, move on.  Too many people like to hold on to their hurt and anger, and use it against the other person, they want to make them hurt or feel just as bad as they did.  When that happens, no one wins, both parties always hurt, and no one can move forward.  If no one can move forward, the relationship stagnates, and eventually dies, usually with a lot of anger and hurt feelings.

I’d like to explain some things in my post on Jan 13, 2009.  To begin with, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer Feb 1, 2006.  At that time, when I was researching the connection between smoking and cervical cancer, the only information linking the two, was the social economics aspect of it all.  I have since looked through again, and I see now, new information that shows chemicals that are found in cigarettes are found in the tissue in the cervix area.  One thing that I want to stress is that new information about many cancers, and other diseases, is coming out daily.  At one time we may hear this or that, and the next day, or even the next month, new and/or contradicting evidence comes out.

Every time we turn around, scientists somewhere are telling us that these or those things are causing cancer, too much sun, saccharine, sex, the list goes on, and it seems to be getting longer everyday.  Yes I did say sex.  Quite some years back, too much sex or having sex at too early of an age (15 and up) was considered to be the cause of cervical cancer.  Hmmm I have to stop and think on that one.  I had cervical cancer.  I was told that it is caused by the HPV virus.  The odds of getting the HPV virus increases dramatically if you have sex before the age of 15, have many different sexual partners, and oh yeah, we can’t forget, if you smoke.  I think of my case.  I didn’t have sex until I was 18, I can count my sex partners on one hand, (and still have fingers left over) and I am a smoker.  So was my cancer caused by smoking?  I had a hard time tying the two together, so I did some research.  What I found was that they consider smoking to be a contributing factor to causing cervical cancer because usually poor people smoke, and they can’t afford insurance, and therefore they don’t have their check ups that can detect the pre cancerous cells before they turn into cancer.  Well there I go.  I didn’t have insurance, but even if I did, I would not have gone to any check ups, I always felt fine, I never had any symptoms or a sign until it was too late.  Okay, at this point, I have to ask, Ladies, if you have never had a bad pap test, how often do you get your exams?  I was in that category.  I had never had a bad pap test, not until I was pregnant with my first child, then I was told that I had pre cancerous cells.  After I had my son, I went back to have more exams and was told that all was clear.  When I was pregnant with my daughter, I again told the doctor (a different one) about how the pap tests came out during my first pregnancy.  I was told to never worry about or rely on a pap test when your pregnant, they usually aren’t accurate, and at that test, everything came back fine.  Okay, I probably put off any tests a bit too long, 13 years to be exact, but again, I never had any pain or any symptoms.  

I guess my main point in all this is that it really doesn’t matter what you do, or eat or drink or how ever you live your life, at some point, we grow old, we become more susceptible to diseases, and we are going to die.  We all need to learn moderation, eat red meat, but in moderation, get some sun, but in moderation, enjoy life, but remember to go to the doctors, get your tests done, and live life.  

While I was going through chemotherapy, my kidneys went toxic, flushing out magnesium and potassium.  The body needs these minerals, among others, to function properly.  In fact, without these two minerals, the body will not function at all.  Potassium helps with muscle growth and nerve cell function, and can be found in many common foods that we eat on a regular basis.  Magnesium, on the other hand, helps with the health of the heart, blood pressure, and circulation, as well as muscle relaxation.  When your potassium or magnesium gets too low, your heart can go into arrhythmia, an erratic heartbeat.  Your muscles can go rigid, and a tingling sensation might occur in your arms, legs, face, or chest.  Again, this mineral can also be found in many foods that we eat.  The problem that is occurring is that we are changing our eating habits, and the ways we prepare our foods, making sure we don’t eat much red meat, drinking bottled water, purifying our water in general.  We are taking out these minerals that our body needs to survive.  We are going to the other extreme.  There are a lot of foods that are not good for us in mass doses, but we have to learn moderation.  Many of those foods may contain vitamins or minerals that we need, and can be good for us in small doses.  Take chocolate; did you know that that is high in magnesium?  In fact, a craving for chocolate may be an indication of a magnesium deficiency.  Now if that isn’t a good reason to eat chocolate.  But again, we can not go overboard on it.  Just to let you know, you get the same symptoms when you have too much magnesium and potassium as you do when you have too little.  

If you are getting ready to have chemotherapy, or are in the process of getting it now, here are some things that you might want to watch out for.  I made it through chemo with out too much trouble; at least I thought so, my family might think differently though.

The chemo I was given was Cisplatin, and I had a treatment once a week for 5 weeks; the treatments were supposed to go 6 weeks, but by the 5^th week, I had had too much and it was causing all kinds of major problems.  To begin with, I was given a great piece of advice from a nurse I had that administered the chemo.  Usually chemo patients are given an anti-nausea medication to take if they have trouble eating or are feeling sick after the treatments.  I was told that I should take the medication immediately after my chemo, and then make sure that I took it every eight hours (or however often the prescription says) for the next three days.  I was supposed to even set my alarm clock to make sure that for three days, I took that pill every eight hours.  It did seem to help I think.  I usually didn’t start to feel sick until the third day, and then after I took that last pill on the third day, I started feeling better, no more nausea, and a plus, I was still able to eat anytime, and anything.  I made sure that I drank lots of water, sometimes even forcing myself to drink, making sure I drank about 2 litters a day minimum.  The water is important; it is used to flush out as much of the Cisplatin as possible.  I was asked constantly if I was having any trouble urinating, which I wasn’t, in fact quite the opposite, I was constantly going.  About the 3^rd week of chemo, my right hand and arm would start to tingle about 3 days after chemo.  I asked both my radiation doctor, and my oncologist, and neither said that it was from the treatments they were giving me.  I had my 5^th treatment, and the tingling became extreme.  I was driving home when both my arms tingled, then my face, my sternum, and what felt like straight through to my back.  I actually had to tell myself when to take a breath, and went to exhale.  My hands became cramped, and turned inwards when ever I tried to just relax.  Driving home that last mile was a very unique experience, to say the least.  I was talking in my head saying, “Only a little…breathe in…bit left to … breathe out … go.  I can…breathe in…make it to … breathe out …” that was how I drove the whole last mile to my house.  I pulled in the driveway, walked into the house, and sat on the couch until my friend saw me and sat down by me and asked what was wrong.  I explained what was going on, and she took me to the hospital. 

At the hospital, I was taken back right away, put on an EKG, and everything else they could do for a person who might be having a heart attack.  All those tests came back fine.  The blood tests, however, did not.  My magnesium was down to .4, and my potassium was at .6.  I was admitted to the hospital, given both magnesium and potassium intravenously, and even a blood transfusion later that night.  It turns out that the Cisplatin did not cause my kidneys to shut down like happens most often, it caused my kidneys to go toxic, expelling the magnesium and potassium as if they were normal toxins.  Only 5% of the people getting Cisplatin get kidney toxicity.  After several transfusions and much magnesium and potassium pills, I was done with my chemo treatments.  My body could take no more.   Believe it or not, I maintained my weight through all of these treatments.  That also is not usual.  I attribute being able to eat through all this by taking the anti-nausea medication every 8 hours instead of just “as needed”. 

This was not the only problem that I had with my treatments, but the other problems were from radiation treatment, and that I will talk about later.   

Surviving Life 

A bump in life’s road continued 

Hello everyone.  I wanted to continue on with my last post that was on January 2, 2009.  In 2004, David’s mother, Marilynn passed away from her lung cancer.  We bought her house, and slowly started getting back to our lives.  Kids both started new schools, our son, high school, and our daughter, middle school.  Things were settling down and getting back to normal.  It was February 1, 2006, once again, life as we knew it changed.  I was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer.  What a blow, cancers in two people of the same family within 2 years of each other.  On David’s side of the family, every one of his relatives died of cancer, parents, grandparents, even great grandparents.  This was too close; too hard to deal with, too soon.  Our kids had only seen cancer kill.  They hadn’t known anyone who had survived cancer.  I had to be the one that survived.  A radical hysterectomy could not be done, because the tumor was too large, pressing on the bladder.   Radiation and Chemotherapy were my next steps in the treatment plan. 

I finally have gotten to the point that I am ready to talk, or in this case, write about what I and my family went through when the Big “C” came into our lives.  I would like to share how my family, (myself, husband David, and two teens), dealt with the initial shock of hearing that Marilynn, David’s mother, had lung cancer.

It was 2002.  Brandon, our son was 12, and Casey, our daughter was 10.  Their Grandma was just diagnosed with lung cancer.    This was the first fatal illness in the family, and both kids were close to their grandma.  How do you tell your young children what is going on?  How much should you tell them? 

We chose to tell them exactly what was going on.  We would spend time searching for information on health sites on the Internet to get as much information as we could about the disease, the treatments, and the life expectancy, (which was not good).  We sat the kids down one night, and talked with them.  We gave them all the information that we knew, the possible effects that treatment would have on Marilynn, and what the most likely outcome would be.  At first the kids kept saying that they didn’t want grandma to die.  We stressed that everyone dies at sometime.  We told them that this body that we have, that we use and see others in, is only a shell that houses our essence, and that this body, this hull, is only usable for a specific amount of time.  At the end of that time, the “body” must die.  But we did tell them that we felt her essence would not be dead, but moved on to the next plane of existence; what ever that might be. 

I have always felt that parents should be honest with their kids. Kids, of any age, need to feel that their parents can be trusted, can be counted on to give them straight forward answers to their questions.  As parents, we need to take the time to put the important information into the terminology that is suitable for their child’s education level, but we owe it to them, and ourselves, to be up front with them.