survivinglife

I grew up seeing my mom and dad show affection to each other.  I would always tell my mom that I wanted a marriage just like theirs when I grew up.  My mom would tell me that marriage was not easy, it took work, and that it was not 50/50 like so many try to sell but more like 80/20, sometimes you give 80, and sometimes you give 20, but by that it all works out. 

I have to admit, my first relationship was definitely not a good for me relationship.  I adored this man.  Actually, I was obsessed with this man.  I decided that he didn’t know who was right for him, and that it was my job to show him, no matter what, that I was the one for him.  Thank God that he was wiser and, although it took me about 5 years to realize that fact for myself; I did finally come to that conclusion also.

By looking back and analyzing that relationship, I learned a lot about myself, my needs, and my wants.  I learned how to enjoy my own company, and most important, I learned who I was.  Ironically, this is when I met my husband to be. 

My husband and I started as friends, just talking and spending time together.  One thing that we both expressed when the relationship did move forward was that neither of us needed the other.  We wanted to be with each other, but if something were to happen, either of us could move on, on our own.  I think that this was a very important point.  I personally didn’t want to feel responsible for how someone else might feel if I decided that I didn’t feel the same way. 

By each of us being independent enough to move on without the other, the trust issue was practically nothing.  I was comfortable enough with myself and us, as a couple, that I could declare that I was friends with my ex-boyfriend, and that I intended to stay friends with him.  Nineteen years have passed, and both my ex’s family and my family are best friends; in fact, we all play darts every Friday night. 

Because we have open communication, we have been able to overcome anything that pops up in our marriage.  We started out by making boundaries for our communication, no name calling, no interrupting, and most important, do not bring up past issues that have already been dealt with.  These are our boundaries, the ones that we feel are most important in keeping our communication healthy and open; but each person in a relationship might have different boundaries or needs that they should be able to enforce in their relationships as well.  Both parties have to feel that their limits are safe, and respected. 

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