survivinglife

Should couples only have friends of the same sex while they are in a committed relationship?  (Men have only male friends, women have only female friends.) 

First, why would you want to “get rid of” friends of the opposite sex that you may have had for more years than you’ve know your current partner?  Are your friends so disposable, that you can send them out of your life just because you are now involved with someone new?  And, do you think that since you now won’t have any friends of the opposite sex, that there will not be any chance of an affair?  This whole line of thinking is preposterous.  I would expect to see this type of thinking in high school kids, not grown adults.   

Second, let’s understand that affairs do not happen because you have friends that are of the opposite sex.  Affairs happen because one partner feels that they are not getting what they need out of the relationship.  Whether it is communication, intimacy, or maybe just the fact that they feel trapped or confined.  It doesn’t matter what gender your friends are, if your partner is not feeling wanted and fulfilled, the chance of an affair increases dramatically.  

We can’t blame anyone but the two in the relationship when problems arise.  Usually there are more underlying problems than the one that blows everything open.  Open, honest communication and a lot of hard work is what can make relationships survive, no matter what gender of friends either partner has. 

Your spouse is working through their addiction, they have gone through treatment, AA, and whatever else they have been ordered to do, or felt that they should go through to regain control of their life.  Now what?  Where does the relationship stand, and most of all, where do you fit in with all of this? 

This can be a very confusing, tumultuous time for all involved.  First and for most, you must remember that their addiction is not your fault, no matter what they may say, or try to get you to believe.  They took the first step; they made their decision all on their own. Granted, circumstances beyond anyone’s control may have played a part, but they still took the initial step toward their addiction.  Second, just as you did not make them an addict, you can not fix them; you cannot make them not be an addict. 

So how do you get your relationship to survive?  Remember, it takes two to make a relationship.  Both parties need to want the relationship to continue.  Open, honest communication is extremely important at this time.  You may not be able to fix the other person, but you can listen, and you can try to understand what they were feeling and going through that led them to their addiction.  If you want the relationship to survive, you must also show support.  Let them know that their feelings are valid, and that as a team, you can work through anything. 

You also need to realize that addiction is not a black and white issue.  A person doesn’t go through treatment and such and never ever have a relapse; this line of thinking is just setting everyone up for failure.  Also, be aware of what your needs are as well as theirs, there are plenty of organizations around that offer counseling and help for spouses and family members of addicts.  Realize, though, that sometimes these organizations might not be the right choice for your situation. 

People everywhere seem to enter into relationships with the misconception that they can “fix” or “change” the other person.  This always reminds me of the old joke, how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?  Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. 

With Valentines Day approaching, I hear many people saying that they are looking for someone to love them.  First I want to point out that that is the wrong approach to finding a relationship that has any hope of lasting.  You first have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and you defiantly can not enter into any type of relationship hoping or expecting the other person to fill what ever void you may have.  This idea is just a failure waiting to happen, and it will. 

A question for you, if you are in a relationship with a person who you feel you need to fix, are you actually avoiding the things in yourself that you should be fixing?  Are you ignoring your own inadequacies and problems and focusing on the other person so you don’t have to look at yourself and fix yourself? 

We can’t fix anyone else.  We can’t change anyone else.  We only have control over ourselves, our emotions, and our actions/reactions.  Anything other than that, we might as well just sit back and enjoy the ride, or get out of the relationship and move on.  Remember, in the case of relationships and other people, changing them is not an option.